Rage, Hurt, and Joker Smiles

I had the lovely joy of running into the woman my husband has an affair with today. She was with her boyfriend and their son.

Unfortunately it was at work. Seeing her brought all the feelings back and ripped the emotional wound wide open. In the first moment I saw them I was back at the day…the moment I found the messages and read the conversations between her and my husband. I was so hurt and angry.

It took all I had not to confront her. Right there in front of her boyfriend. To ruin her relationship, poor guy doesn’t even know. They were together while she was with my husband. I also thought about talking to her son first, calling them all by name and asking her if she would like to go get a coffee sometime and catch up…just to see what she would do. I also imagined ripping her face off…you know the normal not so rational way of dealing.

I didn’t, instead I made eye contact with her and smiled. It hurt so bad but I smiled like the fucking Joker. I’m pretty sure it was not a kind smile. At first she smiled back out of reflex, it took her just a few moments to recognize me, when she did her smile faltered and she pulled her son along a bit quicker.

I’m not in a good place right now. I’m pissed that she gets to go along with her family like nothing ever happened, and here I am trying to figure out is my marriage can be saved. If there is any hope or if I cannot forgive him for betraying me. I just really don’t know.

I do know that I  going to cuddle Alexander a little closer and hold him a little tighter. He is my cornerstone, he is my reason for going on, and he is my reason for keeping my shit together.