Meltdown

So I had a total postpartum depression meltdown this morning. It was in the parking lot of McDonald’s of all places.


My IC was flaring up this morning so I already felt bad physically, emotionally I’m trying to recover from the other day….and I just broke down.

Alexander was crying and nothing was pacifying him. I tried reading, I tries singing, I tried teddy bears, but nothing was helping. He needed a diaper and I didn’t want to take him in so I was just going to  change him in the car. I couldn’t get anything right. I dropped the diaper I dropped the wipes. He kicked and pushed his head up under his car seat. And…I just started crying. My husband came out with our food to find me crying like a mad woman trying to get a diaper on the baby and Alexander screaming his head off.

Once the tears started I couldn’t get them to stop. I cried for over an hour. It sucks and I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like the worst mother in the world. I hate feeling like I’m a bad wife that couldn’t keep her husband from straying.

The one bright side that keeps me going is Alexander. After we got home he took a nap. When he woke up he sat up and smiled at me. I picked him up and we snuggled. I played with his hair and he patted my face. He even gave me a big slobbery kiss. I felt so much better in that moment.

When I have these episodes I’m always afraid he is going to hate me. Postpartum depression does strange things to your thought processes. One day I will get out of its clutches and be the mommy Alexander deserves.

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2 thoughts on “Meltdown

  1. Oh hugs to you. I’ve been where you are now. IC is horrible and painful. That pain coupled with caring for a crying baby is enough stress to make you cry even if you didn’t have postpartum depression. Please be gentle on yourself. You are only able to handle what you can at any given moment. I hope your husband is being kind, gentle and understanding for you. Hugs again.

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  2. You already are the mummy Alexander deserve! My heart goes out to you, I know what it feels like to see your bubs crying, and to be helpless in the moment, not able to stop my own tears and desperately wish I could close the door, hand bubs over and take a moment. Sometimes life is tough, and cryi g i front of your baby, or becauae your baby cries is ok, we are human, we have emotions and empathy too. I was lucky enough to not get postparum depression, but I think my husband might have. Because of this and so much more, I have just gone through the thougest couple of months in my life where I thought I had lost my husband, in essence my life, myself. There where full days all I could do for my daughter was to bf her, and I felt so guilty, but it is ok, we have to take care of us, so that we can take care of them. Big hug to you!

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