So I had a total postpartum depression meltdown this morning. It was in the parking lot of McDonald’s of all places.
My IC was flaring up this morning so I already felt bad physically, emotionally I’m trying to recover from the other day….and I just broke down.
Alexander was crying and nothing was pacifying him. I tried reading, I tries singing, I tried teddy bears, but nothing was helping. He needed a diaper and I didn’t want to take him in so I was just going to change him in the car. I couldn’t get anything right. I dropped the diaper I dropped the wipes. He kicked and pushed his head up under his car seat. And…I just started crying. My husband came out with our food to find me crying like a mad woman trying to get a diaper on the baby and Alexander screaming his head off.
Once the tears started I couldn’t get them to stop. I cried for over an hour. It sucks and I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like the worst mother in the world. I hate feeling like I’m a bad wife that couldn’t keep her husband from straying.
The one bright side that keeps me going is Alexander. After we got home he took a nap. When he woke up he sat up and smiled at me. I picked him up and we snuggled. I played with his hair and he patted my face. He even gave me a big slobbery kiss. I felt so much better in that moment.
When I have these episodes I’m always afraid he is going to hate me. Postpartum depression does strange things to your thought processes. One day I will get out of its clutches and be the mommy Alexander deserves.