“Baby please stop stomping on mommy’s nipples!” And 20 other things I never thought I would say.

Over the past year or so I have found myself saying several things that I never thought would leave my mouth.

Below is a selection of the ones that either made me laugh, made me mad, or made me cry.

1) I’m pregnant…holy shit I’m really pregnant.
2) What do you mean by high risk pregnancy?
3) I’m having a boy!
4) If I can’t pee in a jug right how the hell am I going to take care of a tiny human! (Screamed at my husband while crying hysterically)
5) What counts as an exciting video game? (Trying to keep the right to play Skyrim while on bed rest)
6) Oh! So that is a cervical balloon.
7) Excuse me nurse. Can I have a band aid? My husband kicked my toenail off during that last contraction.
8) Yes I know I have had an epidural, and yes I know I’m not supposed to feel anything, but I promise you that fucking balloon just fell out!
9) I’m scared and I want my daddy to pray, so someone better be getting their ass out to the waiting room!
10) My baby! I can hear him crying! (While I was crying with relief and joy)
11) Mommy loves you…I love you.
12) Who the fuck is -insert whores name here-
13) My husband had an affair while I was pregnant.
14) I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know what the best decision is.
15) After months of thinking about it and working on it I’m going to stay with him.
16) Don’t take my forgiveness for granted if this shit ever happens again I will beat the hell out of you with a cast iron skillet, burn your shit, and kick your ass out.
17) Help me! My baby is having a seizure! (And having everyone around us ignore our existence).
18) Baby please don’t pull on your penis like that. I promise it doesn’t come off…and it hurts mommy.
19) I have a pulmonary nodule, I get to have another scan in six months to see if it has grown.
20) Is that poop? Who’s poop is that? The babies or the cats?


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